Desperate soul in an Unruly Mess!!

How do I find myself in the midst of dramas. All the time!!

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Honestly I do not know the answer. It is not that I make any conscious effort to be a part of the drama. But I will eventually be in one or the other at any given point. There is no day in my life as far as I can remember that there is nothing bothering me – okay , maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration- but that is what it feels like to me.

Even if it is not my problem, it will be someone else’s around me. My friends or their family, or my family itself. Could be my father-in-law’s property problem which my husband will be involved in, and I will inevitably find myself in that soup. My friend is undergoing a hard time after delivery, her new born is in ICU ,critical since birth, it has been a week now and I find myself worrying about it. Another friend’s father has met with an accident underwent a major surgery and I find myself spending my weekend over his place. Cousin of mine is suffering a head stroke from months, scheduled his second major brain surgery in the coming week, and I find myself visiting him and rant about he is going to be okay and soon he will play with his two little girls. I couldn’t decipher a word he was trying to speak. It was all non-coherent and I just went on and on not bothering his questions. At the same time I am consoling a friend who wants to leave the country because she needs a change and clueless about what she wants in life.

Sometimes it all seems tiring. Not just physically -of course not all of these people are in the same hospital- but more so mentally. If I start thinking about all of these things I Just cannot put my head into work. I think my mind operates like two different people, or two different rooms.

When I sit in the cab every morning to go to work , I put all that is worrying me in one room lock the door and put the key safely in a place, so I can open them later. When I get back home, no matter what I have on my plate I have to put them in another room and lock it before I open the key of the other room. I feel like two different people each time. One cannot fit in other’s role. I know it is not probably the most efficient way to deal with things, but that’s the best I can do. While doing so I screw few things royally –  that’s mostly my personal life.

I wonder how other women with children and in-laws manage, or with parents  and not-so-understanding husbands or men with nagging/cribbing wives, old age ill parents, infants or young people away from homes. How do they manage it all? I am sure everyone have their share of dramas in life. I don’t see many cribbing about it like I am right now. I know there is nothing called Work-Life balance. But there should be one side balanced in the least (or is it too much to expect in  all the mess? ) at any point I do not want to put my career at stake. Right now I am lucky enough to work in a great team and the best possible management (I mean my Boss). At the same time I cannot take things for granted. I want to be career oriented too. Aim big, dream big ,, yes, all of that. But how? Yeah,, that’s more than a million dollar question. My brain just cannot take anymore of meaningful stuff. I don’t know how to best manage things! (Looser!! – yea agree)

I am not saying I am doing the most selfless job or I am trying to solve all their problems. NO ,, I AM NOT TRYING TO DO THAT! But still, I am in the middle of someone’s life. How and Why ? I have no clue.  Should I be? Could I quit? I have no clue either.

If I start thinking about all these things at once, my head will probably explode , I may end up running on the roads screaming on top of my voice.

Most importantly no one cares what you are going thru, since mostly in these type of situations you will only be in the listening mode. You cannot go share one’s problems with another. You will have to keep ALL of that to yourself and that is very difficult. Sometimes you want to shut yourself from everyone you know  or just be numb to people around you and be a zombie or to care less about everything  and say “fuck you!” to the problems, act as if nothing has ever happened!

Phew!! I know this too shall pass. Right now I am confused and seem to be deeply buried in shit. As long as I am holding my breath, it seems to be too difficult to live. I may just have to breathe that stink and get over with it soon. Only I am yearning to see that ray of light on the other side of the tunnel in all of these people’s lives. Desperately!

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10 thoughts on “Desperate soul in an Unruly Mess!!

  1. That was raw, visceral and honest, Madhu. Great elements to spill forth an engaging perspective. Maybe you can try breaking down your life into Maslow’s theory of humanized needs. It categorizes the things that make us content, happy and safe in an order that may feel uncomfortable in the short term, but ultimately more rewarding.

    I hope you find your serenity, dear friend!

    1. Thank you for your honest feedback Bharath. I have been hearing a lot about Maslow’s law lately. I will go read that for sure.
      I hope so too! 🙂

      1. The reason I suggested that was – when I chopped up the things that made me react on a daily basis – I found out that it wasn’t any event or individual that drew them out of me, but rather it was me who brought these emotions out to make life easier to handle.

        Wishing you all the light and love.

        1. That makes so much sense. .. it is interesting to know that these emotions are not reactive .. I am more intrigued about this perspective now.
          Thank you for the warm wishes buddy.
          I send all the love back at you 🙂

  2. Wow, you know what amidst all the things that happen, you still manage a post like this. That speaks a lot.

    I can’t even pen down when something like this happens to me.

    So, you are who you are, you do because you care and then it happens the way it happens.
    Someone like you will feel so and I believe at times, it is okay to say “F*** you” in the the silence of the world, not to a person, but generally burst out all that you have to say and then eat the best you want.

    Then sit down calmly and you know take them one by one, at this point, it is very important not to race with time, because time always wins. First step, it is all about impact and completion. So take task 1 and completely it well, then you will feel good and confident, move to other and so on, until eventually you can make deadlines and complete them. Sometimes, things come fast and hard, there is nothing much we can do, apart from embracing it and trying to make a way out of it.

    Yes, this shall pass to and every time, it is just a realization that growing up sucks and growing up even more, sucks even more.

    Well, I believe you are more insightful and confident than I am and you can tackle anything and everything that comes up your way and sometimes, it is the mood swing that make us burst out, so being hopeful that you rock as always and create the same impact as you did from the start.

    1. I like it when u said ‘eat all you want’. 🙂
      You are right about the mood swings as well. Especially when you are fragile, I think your mind will be prone to get impacted by the moods/emotions around you.
      Thank you for your kind words Bhanu. You know it means a lot. 🙂
      Hav a good day buddy. 🙂

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