Desperate soul in an Unruly Mess!!

How do I find myself in the midst of dramas. All the time!!

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Honestly I do not know the answer. It is not that I make any conscious effort to be a part of the drama. But I will eventually be in one or the other at any given point. There is no day in my life as far as I can remember that there is nothing bothering me – okay , maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration- but that is what it feels like to me.

Even if it is not my problem, it will be someone else’s around me. My friends or their family, or my family itself. Could be my father-in-law’s property problem which my husband will be involved in, and I will inevitably find myself in that soup. My friend is undergoing a hard time after delivery, her new born is in ICU ,critical since birth, it has been a week now and I find myself worrying about it. Another friend’s father has met with an accident underwent a major surgery and I find myself spending my weekend over his place. Cousin of mine is suffering a head stroke from months, scheduled his second major brain surgery in the coming week, and I find myself visiting him and rant about he is going to be okay and soon he will play with his two little girls. I couldn’t decipher a word he was trying to speak. It was all non-coherent and I just went on and on not bothering his questions. At the same time I am consoling a friend who wants to leave the country because she needs a change and clueless about what she wants in life.

Sometimes it all seems tiring. Not just physically -of course not all of these people are in the same hospital- but more so mentally. If I start thinking about all of these things I Just cannot put my head into work. I think my mind operates like two different people, or two different rooms.

When I sit in the cab every morning to go to work , I put all that is worrying me in one room lock the door and put the key safely in a place, so I can open them later. When I get back home, no matter what I have on my plate I have to put them in another room and lock it before I open the key of the other room. I feel like two different people each time. One cannot fit in other’s role. I know it is not probably the most efficient way to deal with things, but that’s the best I can do. While doing so I screw few things royally –  that’s mostly my personal life.

I wonder how other women with children and in-laws manage, or with parents  and not-so-understanding husbands or men with nagging/cribbing wives, old age ill parents, infants or young people away from homes. How do they manage it all? I am sure everyone have their share of dramas in life. I don’t see many cribbing about it like I am right now. I know there is nothing called Work-Life balance. But there should be one side balanced in the least (or is it too much to expect in  all the mess? ) at any point I do not want to put my career at stake. Right now I am lucky enough to work in a great team and the best possible management (I mean my Boss). At the same time I cannot take things for granted. I want to be career oriented too. Aim big, dream big ,, yes, all of that. But how? Yeah,, that’s more than a million dollar question. My brain just cannot take anymore of meaningful stuff. I don’t know how to best manage things! (Looser!! – yea agree)

I am not saying I am doing the most selfless job or I am trying to solve all their problems. NO ,, I AM NOT TRYING TO DO THAT! But still, I am in the middle of someone’s life. How and Why ? I have no clue.  Should I be? Could I quit? I have no clue either.

If I start thinking about all these things at once, my head will probably explode , I may end up running on the roads screaming on top of my voice.

Most importantly no one cares what you are going thru, since mostly in these type of situations you will only be in the listening mode. You cannot go share one’s problems with another. You will have to keep ALL of that to yourself and that is very difficult. Sometimes you want to shut yourself from everyone you know  or just be numb to people around you and be a zombie or to care less about everything  and say “fuck you!” to the problems, act as if nothing has ever happened!

Phew!! I know this too shall pass. Right now I am confused and seem to be deeply buried in shit. As long as I am holding my breath, it seems to be too difficult to live. I may just have to breathe that stink and get over with it soon. Only I am yearning to see that ray of light on the other side of the tunnel in all of these people’s lives. Desperately!

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Until next time this day!

I was there four years ago
You told me all that changed
Everything in the universe change over the days
Just like everything In and around you over the years
Nothing is insignificantly negligible
For all that in a way touches your life
Seasons change flowers die, comets destroy
People change, needs change
Happiness change, so does sadness
feelings becomes emotions
Dreams become reality
More become friends,  allies and enemies
More does eyes see, more goes into treasures of memories
I am here today after the last leap
Fill me in with all that changed
I will be here with you next time
To know what has changed in time!
Until then, live, celebrate and treasure!!

Will you be my Valentine? Again?!!

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I saw your smile the first time
I knew it was going to be mine
When I went on my knees
Asking you for a prize
I never thought I would win
You looked into my eye
Said YES with shy

I held u in my arms
Like a precious thing on earth
Kissed you until out of breath
Swept you off the feet
You giggled in my ears
Listening to my heart beat

Since that day to this
I have loved you every bit
Fallen in love like how I did
Every time like the first

My hair has turned grey
This body has turned frail
I cannot go down on my knees
Nor carry u in my arms
But this love of mine
Is Like the fine wine
Will you be my Valentine.. Again?

Miracle!!

I did not believe
All those fairy tales
All those miracles
Creator or the creation!!

Ever since I knew
You would come in my life
I spent Every day of mine
Thinking  Imagining
Everything about you!!

How would you look?
How would you speak?
Anxious, worried
Would you like me like I do?
Would you hold my hand?
Would you understand me like I do?

I feel your presence every second
My heart races with you on mind
As I look out to the stars
I am now as sure as their existence
You will be part of my life forever
I will love you and leave you never!!

And when I saw you in my arms
All that wait was worthwhile
All that pain never mattered
You are the miracle I witnessed
A fairy touching my life
I thank the Creator for Creating me
For you were Born with a part of me!!

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Together we can!!

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What you cannot fight alone
Together we can
Alone you can fail
Together we won’t
Let us dream bigger
Grow together
Help each other
Work hard, party harder
Fight our own fears
Beat our own success
There is a leader within us
Let’s unleash him
And lead from within
For Success isn’t a destination
But a pit stop of celebration
Before we set on
Yet another Journey!
Yet another Success!!
Yet another Party!!!
Together we Can!!!

Castle of flowers!!

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I planted a seed
Every time I thought of you
So I could welcome you with flowers
Now I have a garden
A bridge made of flowers for you
I can build a castle too
But I see you still debating
My Castle would be empty without you!!

Here’s my first post from my self initiated Howisee series to see things from a different perspective and try to make a story of your own.

Feel free to give your comments and feedbacks, there’s always room for improvement!