Desperate soul in an Unruly Mess!!

How do I find myself in the midst of dramas. All the time!!

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Honestly I do not know the answer. It is not that I make any conscious effort to be a part of the drama. But I will eventually be in one or the other at any given point. There is no day in my life as far as I can remember that there is nothing bothering me – okay , maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration- but that is what it feels like to me.

Even if it is not my problem, it will be someone else’s around me. My friends or their family, or my family itself. Could be my father-in-law’s property problem which my husband will be involved in, and I will inevitably find myself in that soup. My friend is undergoing a hard time after delivery, her new born is in ICU ,critical since birth, it has been a week now and I find myself worrying about it. Another friend’s father has met with an accident underwent a major surgery and I find myself spending my weekend over his place. Cousin of mine is suffering a head stroke from months, scheduled his second major brain surgery in the coming week, and I find myself visiting him and rant about he is going to be okay and soon he will play with his two little girls. I couldn’t decipher a word he was trying to speak. It was all non-coherent and I just went on and on not bothering his questions. At the same time I am consoling a friend who wants to leave the country because she needs a change and clueless about what she wants in life.

Sometimes it all seems tiring. Not just physically -of course not all of these people are in the same hospital- but more so mentally. If I start thinking about all of these things I Just cannot put my head into work. I think my mind operates like two different people, or two different rooms.

When I sit in the cab every morning to go to work , I put all that is worrying me in one room lock the door and put the key safely in a place, so I can open them later. When I get back home, no matter what I have on my plate I have to put them in another room and lock it before I open the key of the other room. I feel like two different people each time. One cannot fit in other’s role. I know it is not probably the most efficient way to deal with things, but that’s the best I can do. While doing so I screw few things royally –  that’s mostly my personal life.

I wonder how other women with children and in-laws manage, or with parents  and not-so-understanding husbands or men with nagging/cribbing wives, old age ill parents, infants or young people away from homes. How do they manage it all? I am sure everyone have their share of dramas in life. I don’t see many cribbing about it like I am right now. I know there is nothing called Work-Life balance. But there should be one side balanced in the least (or is it too much to expect in  all the mess? ) at any point I do not want to put my career at stake. Right now I am lucky enough to work in a great team and the best possible management (I mean my Boss). At the same time I cannot take things for granted. I want to be career oriented too. Aim big, dream big ,, yes, all of that. But how? Yeah,, that’s more than a million dollar question. My brain just cannot take anymore of meaningful stuff. I don’t know how to best manage things! (Looser!! – yea agree)

I am not saying I am doing the most selfless job or I am trying to solve all their problems. NO ,, I AM NOT TRYING TO DO THAT! But still, I am in the middle of someone’s life. How and Why ? I have no clue.  Should I be? Could I quit? I have no clue either.

If I start thinking about all these things at once, my head will probably explode , I may end up running on the roads screaming on top of my voice.

Most importantly no one cares what you are going thru, since mostly in these type of situations you will only be in the listening mode. You cannot go share one’s problems with another. You will have to keep ALL of that to yourself and that is very difficult. Sometimes you want to shut yourself from everyone you know  or just be numb to people around you and be a zombie or to care less about everything  and say “fuck you!” to the problems, act as if nothing has ever happened!

Phew!! I know this too shall pass. Right now I am confused and seem to be deeply buried in shit. As long as I am holding my breath, it seems to be too difficult to live. I may just have to breathe that stink and get over with it soon. Only I am yearning to see that ray of light on the other side of the tunnel in all of these people’s lives. Desperately!

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Deepavali- From Darkness to Light!!

India is celebrating Deepavali. A festival of lights. From North to South, East to West every one in the country celebrates this festival with great joy by distributing sweets, buying gifts for friends and family, wearing new clothes, bursting crackers and most importantly lighting diyas (lamps).

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Tried writing something about this in my mother tongue Kannada.
For those of you who don’t understand the language,  sorry guys! I didn’t wanted to translate; I think it loses its originality , the taste of words, if converted to another language other than the one that thoughts are born in.

ನಾನೆಂಬ  ಅಹಂಮನ್ನು  ಸುಟ್ಟು
ನನ್ನದೆಂಬ  ಸ್ವಾರ್ಥವನ್ನು  ಬಿಟ್ಟು
ಹೊಸ  ಭಾವನೆಗಳ  ಬೆರೆಸಿ
ಹಳೆ  ನೆನೆಪುಗಳ  ಸವಿಯುತ್ತ
ಈ   ದೀಪಗಳ   ಬೆಳಕಲ್ಲಿ
ನಿನ್ನನ್ನು  ನೀನು  ಹುಡುಕು…

ಬಾಯಲ್ಲಿ  ಸಿಹಿ ಇಟ್ಟು
ಮನೆಯಂಗಳದಿ  ದೀಪವಿಟ್ಟು
ಮನದಂಗಳದಿ ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಇಟ್ಟು
ಬಾನಂಗಳದಿ  ಮೂಡಿಸು  ಬೆಂಕಿ  ಹೂವ
ನಗು  ನಗುತ ಪ್ರೀತಿ  ಚೆಲ್ಲು  ತುಂಬಿ  ಮಾನವ!!

ಈ ಕ್ಷಣ   ಒಂದೇ  ನಿನ್ನದು
ಕಹಿಯೋ  ಸಿಹಿಯೋ  ಇರುವುದು   ಮನದಲ್ಲಿ
ಖುಷಿಯೋ  ಕಣ್ಣೀರೋ ಇರುವುದು ಕಣ್ಣಲ್ಲಿ
ಕಹಿ  ಕಣ್ಣೀರುಗಳ ಇತ್ತು  ಬದಿಯಲ್ಲಿ
ಸಿಹಿ  ಖುಷಿಯ  ಹಂಚು   ನೀ ಬಾಳಲ್ಲಿ..

ಪ್ರತಿ  ದೀಪಾವಳಿ   ಸುಖ  ಶಂತಿಗಳ ಹೊತ್ತು  ತರಲಿ
ಹೊಸತಿನ್ನು  ಹುಡುಕುತಿರು  ಇನ್ನಷ್ಟು  ಬೆಳಕಲ್ಲಿ!

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Nanemba ahammannu suttu
Nannademba swarthawannu bittu
Hosa bhavanegala beresi
Hale nenepugala saviyutta
Ee deepagala belakalli
Ninnannu neenu huduku..

Bayalli sihi ittu
Maneyangaladi deepavittu
Manadangaladi preethi ittu
Baanangaladi moodisu benki hoova
Nagu nagutha preethi chellu tumbi manava!

Ee kshana onde ninnadu
Kahiyo sihiyo iruvudu manadalli
Khushiyo Kanneero iruvudu kannalli
Kahi kanneerugala ittu badiyalli
Sihi khushiya hanchu nee balalli..

Prati deepavali sukha shanthigala hottu tarali
Hosatinnu hudukutiru innashtu belakalli!!

Wish you all a happy n prosperous Deepavali.

A Bad News!

It is a beautiful Sunday morning.  I’m travelling in the bus. At a signal, I see a large crowd near the bus in the next lane. Everyone was taking  photos. As my bus approached nearer I see a person sleeping under the bus, close to the back tire. Took me a sec to realise it was an accident. A boy of around 10yrs was killed in that brutal accident.  His body was unscathed, his head was badly injured. There was a pool of blood near his head and that side had slit open with a side of his brain chipped off. People there just stood clicking photos, no one bothered to step forward.
My heart sank at the sight.
May be it was already too late. May be someone had called an Ambulance and informed Police.  Where were his parents? How did he happen to come under the bus? Was it driver’s mistake?  All these and many more questions crossed my mind. I know I won’t get answers, not that it helps either. But, one life was ended. That Kid was no more! I don’t know who he was, but my heart goes out to his family.

We fight,  struggle, argue, our egos and alter egos. Why? Why do we keep our interests before others. Why can’t evryone understand it’s a short life and stay happy? Or at least try? You never know which is your last minute, your last breath. That kid was alive maybe few min ago and now,  he will just be a memory. Forever. He is never coming back!

No matter how much you earn, you know you won’t take a penny with you. I see 9/10 people’s lives are miserable because some wants more money, some fights over property , some just don’t want let go of their ego. If one really thinks of why they do what they do, what is it they are getting in return,  one will understand that life can be very simple and much better in many ways.

One day I will be gone and everyone I know will be gone too. I think in pursuing  what we think is right, we are becoming more self centered and selfish. In comparing, complicating our own lives we are Forgetting  simple things like Respct, Love,  Care, Humanity, Empathy. It doesn’t take much neither is it too much to ask to have these priceless qualities in a person. Understand the value of life before its too late.

Live with no regrets. coz once you lose it you won’t be alive to regret anymore!!

May His Soul Rest In Peace!

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