Desperate soul in an Unruly Mess!!

How do I find myself in the midst of dramas. All the time!!

image

Honestly I do not know the answer. It is not that I make any conscious effort to be a part of the drama. But I will eventually be in one or the other at any given point. There is no day in my life as far as I can remember that there is nothing bothering me – okay , maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration- but that is what it feels like to me.

Even if it is not my problem, it will be someone else’s around me. My friends or their family, or my family itself. Could be my father-in-law’s property problem which my husband will be involved in, and I will inevitably find myself in that soup. My friend is undergoing a hard time after delivery, her new born is in ICU ,critical since birth, it has been a week now and I find myself worrying about it. Another friend’s father has met with an accident underwent a major surgery and I find myself spending my weekend over his place. Cousin of mine is suffering a head stroke from months, scheduled his second major brain surgery in the coming week, and I find myself visiting him and rant about he is going to be okay and soon he will play with his two little girls. I couldn’t decipher a word he was trying to speak. It was all non-coherent and I just went on and on not bothering his questions. At the same time I am consoling a friend who wants to leave the country because she needs a change and clueless about what she wants in life.

Sometimes it all seems tiring. Not just physically -of course not all of these people are in the same hospital- but more so mentally. If I start thinking about all of these things I Just cannot put my head into work. I think my mind operates like two different people, or two different rooms.

When I sit in the cab every morning to go to work , I put all that is worrying me in one room lock the door and put the key safely in a place, so I can open them later. When I get back home, no matter what I have on my plate I have to put them in another room and lock it before I open the key of the other room. I feel like two different people each time. One cannot fit in other’s role. I know it is not probably the most efficient way to deal with things, but that’s the best I can do. While doing so I screw few things royally –  that’s mostly my personal life.

I wonder how other women with children and in-laws manage, or with parents  and not-so-understanding husbands or men with nagging/cribbing wives, old age ill parents, infants or young people away from homes. How do they manage it all? I am sure everyone have their share of dramas in life. I don’t see many cribbing about it like I am right now. I know there is nothing called Work-Life balance. But there should be one side balanced in the least (or is it too much to expect in  all the mess? ) at any point I do not want to put my career at stake. Right now I am lucky enough to work in a great team and the best possible management (I mean my Boss). At the same time I cannot take things for granted. I want to be career oriented too. Aim big, dream big ,, yes, all of that. But how? Yeah,, that’s more than a million dollar question. My brain just cannot take anymore of meaningful stuff. I don’t know how to best manage things! (Looser!! – yea agree)

I am not saying I am doing the most selfless job or I am trying to solve all their problems. NO ,, I AM NOT TRYING TO DO THAT! But still, I am in the middle of someone’s life. How and Why ? I have no clue.  Should I be? Could I quit? I have no clue either.

If I start thinking about all these things at once, my head will probably explode , I may end up running on the roads screaming on top of my voice.

Most importantly no one cares what you are going thru, since mostly in these type of situations you will only be in the listening mode. You cannot go share one’s problems with another. You will have to keep ALL of that to yourself and that is very difficult. Sometimes you want to shut yourself from everyone you know  or just be numb to people around you and be a zombie or to care less about everything  and say “fuck you!” to the problems, act as if nothing has ever happened!

Phew!! I know this too shall pass. Right now I am confused and seem to be deeply buried in shit. As long as I am holding my breath, it seems to be too difficult to live. I may just have to breathe that stink and get over with it soon. Only I am yearning to see that ray of light on the other side of the tunnel in all of these people’s lives. Desperately!

Until next time this day!

I was there four years ago
You told me all that changed
Everything in the universe change over the days
Just like everything In and around you over the years
Nothing is insignificantly negligible
For all that in a way touches your life
Seasons change flowers die, comets destroy
People change, needs change
Happiness change, so does sadness
feelings becomes emotions
Dreams become reality
More become friends,  allies and enemies
More does eyes see, more goes into treasures of memories
I am here today after the last leap
Fill me in with all that changed
I will be here with you next time
To know what has changed in time!
Until then, live, celebrate and treasure!!

An Evening in the cab – tryin to bounce back!

It’s been a while I wrote anything.  The last was a poem for a friend as a birthday gift. I have a list of topics I’ve been procrastinating writing on. Every time I pick them, either I’m not in the frame of mind or I find a distraction.

Even now I’m Clueless about what to write, but I want to get started again with something. So, here I am sitting in my cab on the way back home blurting out whatever comes in my head.
I’ll go ahead with one of my favourite things about the city I live in -weather.  I know I must have mentioned about it in my posts earlier,  but I can’t help! If there’s one thing that every Bangalorean loves, it’s the climate .
It has rained a few min ago and the roads look neatly washed.  I see a dull orange light evident on the trees and buildings.  The setting sun must be a view not to miss.  The air is cooler  and of course polluted. Still I like to roll down that window and feel the cold air  against my face. It’s beginning to overcast -blanketing the sky  making the roads look more brighter in the city lights .

image

Oh, the small two towers you see? That’s  Bengaluru’s version of Petronas .. haha..
It’s an apartment building called “Sterling”.
After witnessing the real monster beauty this looks like a joke. I’ll try to post a good picture of that next time.

image

Sigh!  All I dread for now is a hot cup of Masala Chai and My Mom-to have a girl time with her, like best friends #strongwish. Laugh on silly things that happens in life, bitch about others, talk about Men, make that shopping list, discuss those new sarees and who’s got new jewels #mymomsfav .. duh!

#Back to reality. Going home to nothing! Making myself that tea or maybe not, sit and watch out the window waiting for the rains!!

image

Beauty of Rains in capital ! ! -Kuala lumpur

Hop-on Hop off buses in KL are the double decker busses with half open roof at the second level. These busses takes you through the entire City stopping at 23 places in the trip. One trip Costs you 45 ringgits. You get these buses every 20-30 min. Starts at 10am n ends at 8 pm. You can choose to get down at any place look around, spend time, talk, walk, click pictures and wait at the same stop to hop on another one of these double deckers! 

One of these days Myself and my friend had hopped on to one of these busses.  We didn’t actually plan the trip , we just got down wherever we felt like and spent some time. There was a moment when we were enjoying the  weather,  it started to drizzle. All others who were on the open roof with us went inside the bus. I had all the intentions to drench 🙂 I told my friend, ” let’s not go in”  and we were team- to be called crazy 😉

image

The sky was dark grey against the light white sky high buildings. The wind started to blow faster, speeding up the tempo of droplets.  I lifted my face to the sky. I love to do that when it rains, but this time the drops were so big and heavy,  it almost started to feel like  they were slapping my face. There by messing up the liner and kohl on my eyes,  making me look like a zombie.  Not that i could do much about it, But I guess that didn’t matter!

image

Rains in KL are so beautiful. They are unexpected and takes you by surprise. Not that the people aren’t prepared.  They all are very used to this surprise and are always ready with their jackets or pretty umbrellas! The bridges are well planned in the city, where they have good support of cement blocks like the pavements made beneath the bridge to support the elevation, so the soil erosion doesn’t make it weak. They also have little narrow channels running down from elevated places. These look very beautiful when they have rain water coming down amid the green plants around.  Amongst many things I loved about this city, rains are definitely the best.  The plants and trees get showered in rain, and they look amazingly beautiful in the morning when the first rays of the sun falls on them.  Every leaf looks glazing, shiney, as if they have the most beautiful flawless texture of skin with the best moisturiser on that makes them look fragile and soft. The Green in them appear darker and fresh. It’s an amazing experience to watch them glistening in the warm sun.

image

We were entirely showered in the rain, looking like idiots to the people on the roads. Also our fellow passengers might have thought- we lost it. But we couldn’t care less.  When it almost became too much to handle we went back inside the bus, looking like two drenched cats.
Obviously we couldn’t continue the ride. We planned to hop off  near by our hotel.
There ends our little tour !
And  here’s my effort to depict rains! in a poem  🙂