Clueless, lost, Hopefull !!

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Life is full of
Unmapped mysteries
All those turns and twists
Paths rough and smooth
I don’t know why exists
I stayed calm and went with it!!

Minding my own business
Believing it is world’s norm
Getting past the hurdles faced
Answering all the questions raised
Few I knew few I figured
But few remain unanswerd!!

I dreamt of a fancy life
Dream girl for a loving wife
Watch my parents play with my child
A small happy family of mine
In the dream Mansion of my own
I dreamt of traveling the world
Handsome money and success in load!!

All my dreams are fed
All the milestones crossed
Life has come full circle
Boon or bane, I have it all
Now what?
Where do I start?
What do I want?
I’m clueless, I’m lost!!

Alone I stand in a no man’s land
Set on a quest to find answers for the rest
leaving behind the past
I walk the paths and take the turns
With Hope by my side
I still walk with pride
I know for sure the answers prevail
I know one day they will unveil!!

Desperate soul in an Unruly Mess!!

How do I find myself in the midst of dramas. All the time!!

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Honestly I do not know the answer. It is not that I make any conscious effort to be a part of the drama. But I will eventually be in one or the other at any given point. There is no day in my life as far as I can remember that there is nothing bothering me – okay , maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration- but that is what it feels like to me.

Even if it is not my problem, it will be someone else’s around me. My friends or their family, or my family itself. Could be my father-in-law’s property problem which my husband will be involved in, and I will inevitably find myself in that soup. My friend is undergoing a hard time after delivery, her new born is in ICU ,critical since birth, it has been a week now and I find myself worrying about it. Another friend’s father has met with an accident underwent a major surgery and I find myself spending my weekend over his place. Cousin of mine is suffering a head stroke from months, scheduled his second major brain surgery in the coming week, and I find myself visiting him and rant about he is going to be okay and soon he will play with his two little girls. I couldn’t decipher a word he was trying to speak. It was all non-coherent and I just went on and on not bothering his questions. At the same time I am consoling a friend who wants to leave the country because she needs a change and clueless about what she wants in life.

Sometimes it all seems tiring. Not just physically -of course not all of these people are in the same hospital- but more so mentally. If I start thinking about all of these things I Just cannot put my head into work. I think my mind operates like two different people, or two different rooms.

When I sit in the cab every morning to go to work , I put all that is worrying me in one room lock the door and put the key safely in a place, so I can open them later. When I get back home, no matter what I have on my plate I have to put them in another room and lock it before I open the key of the other room. I feel like two different people each time. One cannot fit in other’s role. I know it is not probably the most efficient way to deal with things, but that’s the best I can do. While doing so I screw few things royally –  that’s mostly my personal life.

I wonder how other women with children and in-laws manage, or with parents  and not-so-understanding husbands or men with nagging/cribbing wives, old age ill parents, infants or young people away from homes. How do they manage it all? I am sure everyone have their share of dramas in life. I don’t see many cribbing about it like I am right now. I know there is nothing called Work-Life balance. But there should be one side balanced in the least (or is it too much to expect in  all the mess? ) at any point I do not want to put my career at stake. Right now I am lucky enough to work in a great team and the best possible management (I mean my Boss). At the same time I cannot take things for granted. I want to be career oriented too. Aim big, dream big ,, yes, all of that. But how? Yeah,, that’s more than a million dollar question. My brain just cannot take anymore of meaningful stuff. I don’t know how to best manage things! (Looser!! – yea agree)

I am not saying I am doing the most selfless job or I am trying to solve all their problems. NO ,, I AM NOT TRYING TO DO THAT! But still, I am in the middle of someone’s life. How and Why ? I have no clue.  Should I be? Could I quit? I have no clue either.

If I start thinking about all these things at once, my head will probably explode , I may end up running on the roads screaming on top of my voice.

Most importantly no one cares what you are going thru, since mostly in these type of situations you will only be in the listening mode. You cannot go share one’s problems with another. You will have to keep ALL of that to yourself and that is very difficult. Sometimes you want to shut yourself from everyone you know  or just be numb to people around you and be a zombie or to care less about everything  and say “fuck you!” to the problems, act as if nothing has ever happened!

Phew!! I know this too shall pass. Right now I am confused and seem to be deeply buried in shit. As long as I am holding my breath, it seems to be too difficult to live. I may just have to breathe that stink and get over with it soon. Only I am yearning to see that ray of light on the other side of the tunnel in all of these people’s lives. Desperately!

Until next time this day!

I was there four years ago
You told me all that changed
Everything in the universe change over the days
Just like everything In and around you over the years
Nothing is insignificantly negligible
For all that in a way touches your life
Seasons change flowers die, comets destroy
People change, needs change
Happiness change, so does sadness
feelings becomes emotions
Dreams become reality
More become friends,  allies and enemies
More does eyes see, more goes into treasures of memories
I am here today after the last leap
Fill me in with all that changed
I will be here with you next time
To know what has changed in time!
Until then, live, celebrate and treasure!!

Mine, Yours!!!

My Problems are Mine

Your Problems are Ours

We try to find answers

Find that balance in your life

Endurance is a cheater

It fails me all the time!

My Dreams are Mine

Your Dreams are Ours

We strive to make them real

While I fight to keep mine alive

Compromise is a Cheater

For it fails me every time!

My Efforts are inessential

Yours are significant

I must be patient

For I bear the loss

Patience is a cheater

It fails me all the time!

You do the sacrifices

I be the selfish

All your concerns are screamed

While mine fail to find their voice

Silence is a cheater

For it fails me every time!

All those cheaters help me

In the journey of your success

I fail and forget over and over

For your life has you

While mine has Us!

For you are mine

and I am Yours!!

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A Bad News!

It is a beautiful Sunday morning.  I’m travelling in the bus. At a signal, I see a large crowd near the bus in the next lane. Everyone was taking  photos. As my bus approached nearer I see a person sleeping under the bus, close to the back tire. Took me a sec to realise it was an accident. A boy of around 10yrs was killed in that brutal accident.  His body was unscathed, his head was badly injured. There was a pool of blood near his head and that side had slit open with a side of his brain chipped off. People there just stood clicking photos, no one bothered to step forward.
My heart sank at the sight.
May be it was already too late. May be someone had called an Ambulance and informed Police.  Where were his parents? How did he happen to come under the bus? Was it driver’s mistake?  All these and many more questions crossed my mind. I know I won’t get answers, not that it helps either. But, one life was ended. That Kid was no more! I don’t know who he was, but my heart goes out to his family.

We fight,  struggle, argue, our egos and alter egos. Why? Why do we keep our interests before others. Why can’t evryone understand it’s a short life and stay happy? Or at least try? You never know which is your last minute, your last breath. That kid was alive maybe few min ago and now,  he will just be a memory. Forever. He is never coming back!

No matter how much you earn, you know you won’t take a penny with you. I see 9/10 people’s lives are miserable because some wants more money, some fights over property , some just don’t want let go of their ego. If one really thinks of why they do what they do, what is it they are getting in return,  one will understand that life can be very simple and much better in many ways.

One day I will be gone and everyone I know will be gone too. I think in pursuing  what we think is right, we are becoming more self centered and selfish. In comparing, complicating our own lives we are Forgetting  simple things like Respct, Love,  Care, Humanity, Empathy. It doesn’t take much neither is it too much to ask to have these priceless qualities in a person. Understand the value of life before its too late.

Live with no regrets. coz once you lose it you won’t be alive to regret anymore!!

May His Soul Rest In Peace!

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An evening in the cab 2 -Flowers in the night!

It’s 9.09 PM on a Tuesday. It was a long day. Although I didn’t do much at work, it was tiring. Last couple of days have been a little stressful   I guess I still haven’t recovered from that.
I had the office cab that starts at 10 PM, but I took a private cab an hour early. Despite my Boss asking me to leave early I was a bit stubborn to sit back and work- mostly coz of the guilt that I haven’t really worked anything today – not that it helped #rollingeyes.
I ended up reading a single line more than 3 times! #duh.

The cab I had booked arrived in 7min. Letting my hair open, leaning back in the Etios Liva with a descent leg space (kinda very imp, specially when you are tired and want to stretch ur legs) watching those florescent street lamps coloring the night a warm sepia, the usual traffic not bothering me, I didn’t want the journey to end.  I just wanted the driver to keep driving wherever the road takes.

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As the cab stopped at a traffic signal, my eyes fell on a tree to my right. It had unusual maroon flowers with yellow in the middle. Looked very beautiful (damn my phone camera! )It looked like velvet and I thought,  I cross that Signal twice everyday but I never had seen that.  The tree was actually in the park on the road side.  A huge branch was perched on the road which had its own branches, it’s as big as a tree itself. I  then realised I had never seen the fence either. It’s a silly thing  but it made me think.

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It was almost like this! Almost!

Then I started to ponder, how much of the natural obvious things do we miss in life coz of our so called very-busy-routine. Things, emotions,  feelings, happiness, thoughts, inside, outside and within.  How much am I missing?  How many lives have I touched today just by existing?
Our brains usually are so preoccupied, that sometimes maybe most of the times we miss the obvious. Always thinking,  running, always planning, trying to be in control, in pursuit of something.

It’s a race against time!

I’m not complaining. I know it’s ‘only one life’ funda. At the same time I think it’s important to slow down a bit once in a while coz it is ‘Only One Life’! !