Clueless, lost, Hopefull !!

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Life is full of
Unmapped mysteries
All those turns and twists
Paths rough and smooth
I don’t know why exists
I stayed calm and went with it!!

Minding my own business
Believing it is world’s norm
Getting past the hurdles faced
Answering all the questions raised
Few I knew few I figured
But few remain unanswerd!!

I dreamt of a fancy life
Dream girl for a loving wife
Watch my parents play with my child
A small happy family of mine
In the dream Mansion of my own
I dreamt of traveling the world
Handsome money and success in load!!

All my dreams are fed
All the milestones crossed
Life has come full circle
Boon or bane, I have it all
Now what?
Where do I start?
What do I want?
I’m clueless, I’m lost!!

Alone I stand in a no man’s land
Set on a quest to find answers for the rest
leaving behind the past
I walk the paths and take the turns
With Hope by my side
I still walk with pride
I know for sure the answers prevail
I know one day they will unveil!!

Just Once!!

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In the middle of the night
Up in the dark sky
I see the only star
I know that’s you
Looking for me!

You were the light in my world
You went into darkness
leaving me in one
You disappeared
so did my Universe!

Now I’m clueless, I’m blind
Of present, of future
Of whats’, of whys’, of hows’
I want you back, here and now
come back to life, Into my life
Guide me, walk me, talk to me
Just once!

I see your face
I hate that you don’t talk
I can smell you
I hate that I can’t touch
I can feel you
I hate that you are not around
I want to hug you tight and never let go
Come back to me
Just once!

The void kills me cell by cell
Knife of silence slice through my heart
I bear the scar till it stops to beat
With Your face etched in my eyes
Your words ringing in my ears
With You on my mind
I am dying a thousand deaths
with every breath
I beg you, come back to me
Just once!

In loving memory of my lost world
This one’s for you Granny!♡

Have you seen ME ??!!

I am looking for Myself !
In myself for myself !

All that time I spent being your version of ME,
Is not me!
All that pain I endured and had smile on my face,
Is not me!
All that love I shared when was shattered, still had that smile,
That’s not me!
When you make me someone I am not,
Is not me!

I am under the mask!
Under the mask that pretends to be me!
Ignoring the jabs, living up to ones around me,
stumbling and falling , yet on my feet and moving forward,
Of course with the smile and confidence on my face!
Coz that’s  what world looks at, and not my scraped, bleeding knees,
Neither my dirty palms!

I hear a voice screaming from within me!
But, the world around is so loud,
My ears can’t hear the now dull dying voice!
I am lost!  Lost between the world and me!

I still have to find me!
In me, for me!
Have you seen me?!

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Embarrassing Thursday !!

CrazyDayHave you ever felt your day is weird? It’s one such day for me, all the craziness started after I left home to go to office. I go to this bus stop to catch a bus till next stop- it’s a short distance, but walking would take around 25 mins- I waited for 10 mins and got into an auto rickshaw. I thought he’d pile up 2 or 3 more and we have to share the fare till the next stop. That’s normal here. But today, no one got into the rick I was in and driver can’t wait for long once a passenger is in the vehicle, he has to keep it moving, trying his luck on the way slowing down at times when he sees someone standing on the road side. When the rick started, the seat I was sitting on started to shake-literally Shake, I tried to hold the railing to stable myself, but no, I can’t catch that either, because that is shaking too The whole rickshaw was shaking beyond control. It was hard for me to ask him to slow down. Then I noticed two indicator place holders. Yes, place holders left open, no indicators! The top of the rick and the seat I was sitting were shaking in opposite directions. Luckily he stopped half the way and sent me to another rickshaw that had a single passenger too. I sighed and got into it. Now, this was my first time and I do not know how much I have to pay. I see the lady next to me from the corner of my eye to see if she is holding any money in her hand as the stop was nearing. She did not have, I asked the driver when I got down, and he charged me more than a Volvo. I silently paid him and stood waiting for another bus till my office.

A green Airport bus had a board that read M.G Road, that’s where I had to go. My friend had told me this route so I do not have to change 2 busses to reach office. I was happy to see the direct bus. I boarded the bus. While buying ticket, conductor of the bus told me that, this bus would not go to the place I wanted to go and that it would stop a in the parallel road. I still bought ticket thinking I can walk, how far could that be anyway?

When I got down, I don’t know where I was. I was Lost!! Lost in the city I live! I looked at the roads going in different directions in front of me. I decided to trust my instincts and go right. On the way I asked these two elderly people “sir, could you please tell me which way to go to Bishop Cotton’s Girls School.” One of the two uncles held his arm straight ahead and pointed his finger to a road telling “you can take this road and to till the dead end, then turn right. There you have the school”. Other one spoke “no, no it would be far, you take the one next to it” and pointed the other road. “Take right in that signal and immediate left, you get the girls school. This is short distance”. “Arey no no, she’d have to walk longer for that” the other one interrupted. I smiled and thanked them for help and moved on. They were still debating on which route is near as I walked away. At least I was walking in the right direction. After a short distance I asked another lady. She said “you got to walk about a kilometer in the same road, you’ll not get any rick or bus since this is one way. Or you have to walk half a km back then catch a bus and reach your destination”. I was slapping myself from inside. “You are so stupid, so stupid”.

I decided to walk ahead than going back. The blistering sun, piggy backing the laptop wasn’t helping me walk, and then I realized, I was the only one walking in the opposite direction. I smiled at my stupidity and walked, and walked, and walked for 30 minutes more than a kilometer. I tell you, it was no way parallel to where I wanted to get down, I wonder what parallel means in that fat conductor’s sense. I pay triple the price of a normal bus in the Volvo, plus that luxurious auto rickshaw ride and I walk for about a mile in the burning sun spoiling my makeup, not a good start for the day! Also I saw that was Bishop Cotton’s Boy’s school and I was asking for girl’s school. My office is right opposite to it.

I reach office, getting my bag checked near the security, she sees my ID card to check the number on it and make sure I have the same numbered sticker on my laptop. I left my ID with her and walked away. She ran behind me calling ‘madam, madam, your Id! ‘ . I gave her a sheepish grin and thanked her. It was worse near the lift, when I pressed the button and got lost in my mobile. The lift stopped, everyone got in. A friend said hi to me from inside he lift and gestured something. I just waved at her, smiled and got back to my mobile. Later when the door closed, did I realize, she gestured me to get inside the lift. I stood staring at the numbers in the display like an idiot. It’s probably the sun.

I am in a meeting room alone, waiting for others to come. I hear a knock on the door, I turned to see who it is, and I was surprised. Hmmm… (Blush blush). In my office, it’s little harder to find good looking guys around and if you have one tapping on your door, someone you have crush on, how do you feel?

That guy is weird but, he’s got good looks and a smile to be admired. We were working in the same team before. Our brains are not from the same world, we really are not in sync. But still, he’s attractive J I went out to speak to him; he took me by surprise by offering a shake hand. That’s little out of his character. I asked him about his married life and work, he shot the same questions. We spoke a little bit. For few of his questions I answered like a stupid. Once I came back into the room, I was banging the table, “damn, I should have said it like this! “ That conversation was replaying in my mind for an hour and later too.

It’s silly sometimes how you try to be smart in front of few people and you prove yourself a fool before them. That was me today!

Okay, the story does not end here, I go to the canteen ask him for bread butter jam, he makes bread omelet. I ate it sitting alone going over the events from my morning venture. When I went to wash my hands, I thought “What did I have for breakfast? “ I slapped my palm to my forehead and turned around at the same time. BAM!! I hit a guy. “Shit! This is definitely not my day!!” 

Now, I just hope I make it to the end of the day without any more embarrassments!!